Y’all. Seriously.

Let’s Talk About Existential Crises…

I’m going to start by openly saying something that many people would loathe to admit…I am in the midst of a mid-life/existential crisis. I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel (we will get to that later)…but I am going through it allllllllll. I already own fast cars so don’t worry I didn’t run out and buy a red convertible to manically drive down Mulholland.

I really wanted to write about this topic today because, over the past six months, I have struggled with finding resources and writings on this topic that are open and honest and not holier-than-thou fluff pieces. I firmly believe that we will all have at least one existential crisis in our lifetime so pretending that this doesn’t happen or only happens to a certain type of person is pretty disingenuous.

They happen. It’s a significant part of the human experience. So let’s talk about it openly and honestly.

The good news is I know why it’s happening to me. Last year I aggressively made every single life change one can make within a year. Some of these changes were on my terms, others weren’t. My entire support system changed completely. I have pivoted my life almost completely away from what I wanted. Or maybe a better way to say it is - I don’t actually want what I thought I wanted in life. And this has had some pretty serious repercussions on my mindset and my life.

No one, specific thing or person is to blame for where I’m at and how I’m feeling. It has been a lifetime of decisions that got me here. But there are some things that are more problematic than others in my life right now.

For starters, I don’t think I like the tech ecosystem as it currently stands. (Quelle surprise I know…)

I don’t like how fake and performative this industry is. I don’t believe that venture capital as an asset class is nearly as impactful as we have been led to believe by self-promotional venture capitalists. We can all see the returns. Like, y’all. No. Just. No. Too fake. Too full of shit. I’M HITTING THE DO NOT LIKE BUTTON. PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

I really am struggling to believe that my authentic self has a place in an ecosystem that at times is almost completely full of shit. The hypocrisy is blinding. The inequity is comical at this point. I want to be a part of and inspire change in this ecosystem if that’s where I am meant to be. Understanding that fact means that I need to be thoughtful and more aware of how I am showing up for people in this ecosystem.

I tend to be really hard to be myself. But at the same time, I also try to be authentic and empathetic towards others in a way that is kind, not nice. (Remember kids…kindness doesn’t always mean nice.)

Showing up for others in this way is important to me because:

1. It took a loooooot of therapy to get me comfortable with who I am. I don’t want that positive work to be wasted on living a highly bifurcated, artificial life.

2. I think knowing yourself and showing up as the honest version of yourself is the best way to help others feel good about themselves.

Growing up I was a foot shorter than my peers, bullied non-stop, and had an incredibly unstable home life that everyone thought was perfect. Once I was an adult, I felt like I needed to hide those facts about my life. I did not realize that many people hide parts of themselves to pretend they are fitting the mold of what we should be. This is artificially unfair and creates instability in many people to the point that they can never get over feeling “less than.” We should all be honest about what we’re going through or facing so that others can walk in our path without shame or guilt for what has happened to them.

Being in the tech ecosystem for the past few years has made me feel professionally adrift and unmoored. It’s a very transactional industry in a way that I am not. The dick measuring and bullshit being peddled openly by folks goes against the very core beliefs that I have worked so hard to protect in my life.

I truly care about the founders I back and the communities within the startup/tech ecosystem. But it feels like finding internal happiness in this ecosystem is a fool's errand sometimes. This has made me take a hard look at my role and what social mores I am supporting with my own actions. This also means that there are some changes I want to make to the fund I am a part of and how I interact with the larger tech community. Like…y’all ever ask yourselves wtf you are doing and why?

And that my friends, is what I just took a deep dive into…(Look for more information from Ian and me in the coming weeks on what this means for Vol. 1 Ventures…cuzzzzz it’s a lot.)

I’ve been asking a lot of questions of myself. Why do I feel the way I do? Who am I? Why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Some of these questions are waaaaay too harsh on me (both the questions and the answers) and others have led to moments of self-reflection that should have happened years ago. And that is really okay too. It’s okay to be late to the finding yourself parade. All that matters is that ya got there!

I am now holding a mirror up to my life. I am thinking critically about what matters and what doesn’t. Over the past few months, it has felt like I’m constantly in a room with the three horsemen of the midlife crisis apocalypse…SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA. Do not recommend that for my worst enemy. However, at the same time, some questions and thoughts have been hugely insightful. For example, the following questions have allowed me to really open myself up to critical examination without judgment:

• What is my brain saying?

• What do I actually want?

• How do I want to feel?

• Why am I stuck?

• Who actually am I at the end of the day when I put my head on a pillow?

• What are my personal values?

• What do I stand for?

The reason these questions have been so meaningful for me is that each has allowed me to think about what is real and what is based on what the external world has led me to believe is necessary within my life. I have turned inward and focused on what is real to me.

The other elephant in the room I’m dealing with is spirituality. I have had zero spiritual practice for most of my adult life. My mother was one of those flippant, white lady Buddhists who you can easily find meditating on an expensive pillow and loudly talking about their last Tibetan pilgrimage on the streets of Venice, California. On the flip side, My father was a staunch practicing Conservative Jew. He kept Kosher and his beliefs were decidedly that of someone who had lost most of their family to the Holocaust. Unfortunately for me, the whiplash of these two religious viewpoints made me kinda hate religion growing up.

However, the more lost I have felt, the more I have absolutely craved spirituality. Something. Anything. Just some kind of spiritual grounding. I still don’t think that I am craving organized religion but there is a piece of me that is yearning for something. It’s my job now to figure out what that something is. I’m thinking about what spirituality serves me and will allow me to serve this world in a positive way.

Over the past few months, I have leaned hard into learning more about what I want from my own spiritual practice. I am thinking about my role in the universe and how I can come from a place of love in all my interactions and transactions. I have thought about how I am showing up for people without a voice or “clout” and asking myself if I am a part of the problem or a part of the solution.

Therefore, I’m trying to make small changes in my life. I’m creating boundaries for the first time ever (y’all, I am a people pleaser so this is haaaaard.) I am trying to be more honest with myself about how making other folks people happy might in fact have a net negative on everyone’s lives—particularly mine. This one has been a doozy to work on.

I am also being more mindful of who I am sharing my time with and how our time together is spent. Not everyone needs or deserves a role in my life. I want to be helpful but I also want to be of actual service versus just appearing busy to everyone externally.

I am subtracting from my life. By asking myself if what I am doing is actually adding value to the world or making me happy in a healthy way I have been able to start discerning what or who actually needs to be present in my life.

I am also focusing on healthy dopamine hits. I took a few weeks off of social media. I did what I have been calling an “attention detox.” I think we are all addicted to feeding our ego with external validation because of social media, much to the detriment of our own self-awareness and self-esteem. Now, I’m working to shift my internal compass to look within for things that make me happy versus making others happy and feeding off that symbiotic energy.

I made lists of choices and actions that I was most and least proud of and what the repercussions of those choices and actions have been. Most of us have no idea how bad some of our actions actually have been and, on the opposite side, we also have no idea how good or helpful we have been to others. There is a light and dark to each of us and understanding each side is essential to becoming the complete person we were put on this earth to be.

Finally, I have been working really hard to discover healthy self-soothing behaviors to give myself the space to be safe and secure on this journey. I posted on Twitter that I was deep diving into Goop and taking a look at what’s there (yes, cue the lolz-ing.) In the past 30 years, I have done very little to focus on self-care and my own health and wellness. I’m trying to see what has worked for other people and which of those things could possibly be good inclusions into a healthy routine for me moving forward.

By creating the life I want to live in the form of being the best person I can be, I am hoping that I am able to help others. I want to be of service to others. This is why I am present on this earth and doing everything I do. And that in all honesty is getting me to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Feel free to reach out to me for help or thoughts. We’re all in this crazy life together and it definitely takes a village! I sincerely love y’all and I’m here for you.

xoxo,

Stevie

Resources:

Below is a short list of folks and companies who were instrumental in my own journey over the past few months. I highly recommend their work or their services. Happy to also talk about my own experiences if you have questions or are looking for direction. It is really a group activity to find yourself and your place here on Earth so don’t be a stranger and try different, unexpected things to find out who you really are and what you are here to do.

Dr. Ketura Burstyn

Dr. Samantha Boardman - Everyday Vitality

Dr. MeiLan Han - Breathing Lessons

Annie Armstrong Miyao

The Tools

Tara Mohr - Playing Big

Dr. Habib Sadeghi - The Clarity Cleanse

Jobi Manson - Sēfari, Malibu

Sweetkick

The Arrigo Programme

Emily Fletcher - Ziva Meditation

Dr. Carder Stout

Dr. Nicole LePera- How to Do the Work